People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
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The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
you’re so productive for your wage
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips