Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

Me: Can you help me with something?

Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.

Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…

Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs