People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
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Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
WHO DID THIS?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
We will use anything but the metric system
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.