HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
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Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
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I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
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Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.