People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

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HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”


Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.






Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES


We’re adults. It’s bad enough we selfie. Don’t make it worse with the surprise face selfie


Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…


I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.


I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened


The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍


Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.


Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.