@xLiserx

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

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@UncleDuke1969

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

@comer310

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

@DadZZZasleep

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

@NotThatKristi

We’re adults. It’s bad enough we selfie. Don’t make it worse with the surprise face selfie

@TheBoydP

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

@KThonvold

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

@urmumsausername

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

@shash_____

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

@DanDoofus

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

@amishschool

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.