@xLiserx

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

- @xLiserx

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

@XAIMMadellynne

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

@liliths_lair

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

@DaddyJew

It’s so hot outside I tried to let my dog out and she got up, closed the door and sat back down on the couch

@Jenny4ashley

My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.

@FredTaming

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

@Midgetspar

On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they’re an 11. It’s a fun way to let them know they don’t exist and they take it as a compliment.

@donni

*sees a shark in a homemade clam costume*
That’s a pretty dubious clam

@LizHackett

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

@copymama

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”