People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
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When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Is anyone gonna tell them?
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank