@xLiserx

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

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@simoncholland

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

@baeblacksheep

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

@Brampersandon_

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

@murrman5

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

@mrs_campfire

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

@English_Channel

Computer: Choose a password

Me: 1scoop_of_coffee_per_2cups_of_water

Computer: Sorry, that password is too weak

@littleliterally

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

@FeelingMervis

Happy Valentine’s Day! So what’s everyone doing with their cats tonight??

@Angibangie

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

@chuuew

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree