Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
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If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Computer: Choose a password
Computer: Sorry, that password is too weak
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Happy Valentine’s Day! So what’s everyone doing with their cats tonight??
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree