People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
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Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….