Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

🗽

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

🤣😂🤣

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

At ease

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”