Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

tag yourself