People who call the Bible a fairy tale forget that in fairy tales everyone lives happily ever after.

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“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”


How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?


You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.


Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here


{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.


his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty


Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion


Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh


I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap