@TheTweetOfGod

People who call the Bible a fairy tale forget that in fairy tales everyone lives happily ever after.

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@TheBoghdady

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

@JasonLastname

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

@Peauxtassium

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

@UnrealTJH

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

@DanMentos

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

@SortaBad

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

@AbbieEvansXO

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

@iGreenGod

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap