@TheTweetOfGod: People who call the Bible a fairy tale forget that in fairy tales everyone lives happily ever after.
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@coryrichardson_: [training to be a crime investigator] investigator: he was eaten by a cannibal me: *writing* eaten by cannon ball investigator: no, cannon balls shoot, cannibals eat people me: *writing* cannon balls shoot and eat people
@AKcrazy18: I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, "What would your parents say if I called them?' I replied, "Hello?"
@AlexRogaski: [God making African animals] Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.