People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
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If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
We went together like toothpaste and orange juice
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though