Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.