People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
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Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]