People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
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Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.