Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?

Me: A terrified doctor.

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.