People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
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People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.