People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
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(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife