Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies