People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
You Might Also Like
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
one of
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*