people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
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This cat wants you to take your pills
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
he’ll never suspect a thing
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.