people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
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*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”