people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
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My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*