people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
You Might Also Like
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Children of the corn 🌽
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.