People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
You Might Also Like
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*