People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
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My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.