People who complain about parties must not like free food.
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I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”