People who complain about parties must not like free food.
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During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad