People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
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I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
True statement👍😏😁
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder