People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
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My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?