Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

Attention fat vegans:

Explain.

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.