People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
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In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.