People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
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if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.