People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
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If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
This checks out
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”