My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
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I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”