This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
People who disagree with me know that they’re wrong, right?
You Might Also Like
“Who am I?” – Descartes.
“Why am I?” – Camus.
“What am I?” – Chopped Liver.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Me: *trying to understand time zones* These things are all over the map.
most vending-machine shaking incidents are elaborate coverups by people who don’t want to be seen hugging the machine and saying i love you
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*