@_salt_n_lime

People who disagree with me know that they’re wrong, right?

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@RichardWiseman

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

@JustAboutGlad

“Who am I?” – Descartes.
“Why am I?” – Camus.
“What am I?” – Chopped Liver.

@3sunzzz

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

@sunexplode

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

@Billhenry16

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

@dorsalstream

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

@pbear79

Me: *trying to understand time zones* These things are all over the map.

@rachelle_mandik

most vending-machine shaking incidents are elaborate coverups by people who don’t want to be seen hugging the machine and saying i love you

@GlennyRodge

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

@Ygrene

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*