people who do mutinies should be called mutants
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Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I have obtained a hat
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.