people who do mutinies should be called mutants
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Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Already got one
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by