people who do mutinies should be called mutants
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Bed should get ready for ME
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid