People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
You Might Also Like
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
brian had himself a morning…
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.