People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
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Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
same vibe as tangled headphones
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.