Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
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LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.