People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
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instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.