People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
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FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
pelicons
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.