People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
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Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”