People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
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[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Baller is short for ballerina
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
i wish i could marry a nap
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.