People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
You Might Also Like
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!