People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
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I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
All I want for Christmas is my gross pay
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.