People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
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[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains