Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.