People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
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First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts