People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
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Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Just grow your own
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
#IWishIHadNever noticed
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS