People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
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5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it