People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
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“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
💯😂
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.