Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

Cop lights are so pretty at night

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?

Bingo.

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

waiting for halloween be like:

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.