People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
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My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.