People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
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BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.