People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
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OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Look Ma, no handle on things
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.