Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

Children of the Corn Man

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”