Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

Why enunciation matters:

9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers

Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???

9yo: …BOXES!

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

My wife has the worst taste in men.

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

Facebook memories be like

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating