People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
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WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured