Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]