People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
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If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Autocorrect is my menesis
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.