People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
i can’t wait that long
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”