People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
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Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.