People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
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Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.