People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
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Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT