People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
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ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Just a phase…
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
let’s discuss
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.