People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
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ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Phones down.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.