People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
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Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…