Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

my one true gender

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

Whoa 😂

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?