People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
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I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Namaste
That’s easy for you to say
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery