People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
You Might Also Like
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
*puts words between two asterisks*
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.